Souvenirs

A: One of the things we all like about being on the road in new places is trying to find the most insane souvenirs to bring back, usually basing our criteria on some level of humor and/or inappropriateness, but this can also be a kind of trophy, as Marconi’s most prized take-home was a hat actually worn by a real Waffle House waitress. He believed, and rightly so, that a hat bought from a store, or online isn’t as meaningful as one that saw battle action in the trenches of the heart attack factory that is Waffle House. I usually make an attempt to find either the most whacked-out t-shirt or shot glass or whatever. Well, one of the great things about being in the South is that there is NO shortage of insane crap, with wildly inappropriate things printed on them. Here are some faves from yesterday.





“I Pledge Allegiance To The Flags” - And that would be the flags that signal the end of a Nascar race, and a flag the represents the very best ideals our country used to embrace in certain parts - slave ownership, incest, and secession. Wearing this hat actually makes you dumber.





“Ditch The Bitch – Let’s Go Drinkin’” – Ah, what a robust and well-intentioned statement about one’s priorities. We’ve all been there. The double-wide has a leak that you don’t feel like fixin’, the kids are screaming, you’re fresh out of beer, and that goddamned old lady is harpin’ on you to get off your shiftless ass and do something. Is there anything else that needs be said at this point? Ditch the bitch, let’s go drinkin’.





Just after you’ve ditched the bitch, and before you head out for a big night/afternoon/morning of drinking, you may want to throw on this prize. Clearly articulating your intentions in being out and about, and leaving no room for misinterpretation, this little number saves countless minutes of explanation when you go out behind the dumpster for some face time with the toothless skank who you met by the cigarette machine. Yes, “I Fuck On The First Date” tells the world that you’re a man of distinction, with refined tastes and a sense of propriety that nobody’s taking away from you.





Not a t-shirt this time, but COMPLETELY racist and horribly inappropriate. The last time we were here, I brought home a variety of these for my close friends and was welcomed with hugs and tears of joy. We actually saw these in two places, one of which was a shop that was staffed by a burly black man, and I just could not for the life of me imagine how hard he would hit me if I brought one up to the counter to purchase it. Utter hilarity.

L: Fans and Readers, You can’t imagine the look on my face when Alienwhere and I first laid eyes on this display.





And the winner, at least for me, is this. “Whiskey Makes Me Frisky”. I walked past this at least twice, before I came to my senses and realized that I HAD to buy it. I imagine one day, I’ll find that special lady, who is willing to throw this thing on, and I will laugh and laugh. And then ask her to marry me. Marconi remarked that it’s a bit like Cindarella’s slipper, which I think is right on the money. Many may try it, but only one will be able to wear it… here’s hoping.

L: I think Alienwhere should wear this wifebeater himself.